25.

Wow. 

It's been almost FIVE years since I posted my last blog. And what can I say? Things have definitely changed. 

I have no idea who I am anymore. Or what I'm doing. Or why I'm doing it.

I've lost my passion, my spark. It's gone!

I have no motivation, no drive and I'm just floating along day by day.

I would love to say I'm happy but I'm not. 

THIS was not what I wanted. Yet, somehow, here I am.

Reality Hits Hard.

It's easy to pretend everything's okay when you're secluded. But when you have to face the world it's a lot harder. That's when you have to acknowledge the reality of situations and deal with the obstacles life had thrown at you.
This time last year, I was hurt. I was confused. But I knew what I wanted and I had the support of my friends to help me achieve that and I had them to hold me up each time I didn't get it.
It may seem crazy, but sometimes I think I want those times back. I mean, yes I was hurting and I don't miss the pain, but having those friends that could help me forget or give me advice or just be there for me and let me have fun.... that got me through the hardest, most painful times.
Now, I have all the things I strived for this time last year. But without my friends, I still feel empty.

I guess you can never have it all.

The loss of the circle.

So it's March 2012 and I haven't blogged since Oct last year. I would like to say its because my life has been full of fun, fabulous, exciting things. But the truth is, i've just been living.  I've kinda settled into Uni & I'm fast approaching the end of my first year. I've got 2 more assignments & 5weeks of placement. Then I'm out for summer!  It's weird but Uni is the easiest part of life right now. I can get lost in my coursework and organisation and not think about anything else. Which to be honest, is perfect. 
My relationship right now is great... No complaints. Well there's one but we'll get to that later.
My family life... Well it's family. There's been a few more bereavements since the last and my grans been in hospital  but we're a strong family unit & we always get through it together. 
Unfortunately, not everything can be dealt with so simply.  There's an irresolvable issue that's been going on for almost 2months now. It's messed up the dynamics of my life outside Uni indefinitely... I'd love to explain the whole story, but really it's so complex that unless you know everyone involved you'd never understand.  But let's just say my 'circle' of friends is now more of a hexagon & I don't see that changing anytime soon.
                         I've been excluded from the group. For being real, upfront and honest. For not being two-faced but speaking my mind and wanting to resolve something I was unhappy with.  Problem is... the female I had this issue with was/is not in a good place and blew everything out of context, getting every tom dick and Harry involved in an issue that could have stayed between me and her. Consequently, I've lost one of my best friends & I'm out!!!
  This whole situation has made me realise that some of the friendships I lost were conditional & to me, that's not friendship. You can't lock someone off - your close friend - when all you've heard is one angry females side & not the others. How does that work?? 
                     What gets me is I'm being called the immature one. When I'm the one who went directly to the person I was annoyed with and tried to discuss the issue. I'm the one who kept the conversation and on-goings to myself. And I'm the one who's lost the most and still hasn't blown up.  I'd like to say I've learnt from this and I'm not bothered by it. But that would be a lie. I feel like I'm dying inside. From immediate count, I lost two of my closest friends and no longer wish to have any ties with the other female which is straining my relationship.... (The girl is my boyfriend's closest friend). I don't know how to rectify the situation. I will not apologise to the girl because I don't believe I was wrong for the things I said. Maybe the way I addressed the issue but NOT what I said.  How can I be punished for trying to be real and direct and  not two-faced and hypocritical?  
                               The worst part... Everyone is fighting her corner because she's told them her story. No-one's heard mine.

New Chapter.

So I finally know what I'm doing with my life.
I'M MOVING TO BRISTOL!!! :D *jumps around dancing*
I cannot wait to go to uni, I'm so excited! But I'm so nervous to move away from london & my family.
  This is exactly what I wanted. But it doesn't stop me from feeling sad, scared and anxious!
I need to move away from home so I can gain some sense of self and independence.
I always rely on my mum, sisters, aunty and grandma to get me whatever I need. I've had a few jobs, but they don't last long.
So I need this to grow as a person. 
  Going to uni is going to be a challenge itself. But I'm willing to do what it takes to get where I want to be.
A few years ago I didn't even want to go to uni. The thought of it scared the shit out of me and I was sure I would be living at home (in hounslow) forever.
    But after finding friends who actually had proper ambition in life. Going to uni, working hard etc, I changed my thoughts and views on life.
I visited all my friends at their different unis and saw how happy they were with the lives they lived. It was no secret that it was hard-work, money was tight and that being away from home sometimes got on top. 
But seeing their independence, freedom and generally their lifestyles made me realise I want something more from my life.
I can't be stuck in a hole. I NEED to become something...
    And I will! The first step was working my arse off and getting into UWE. 
I've done that :) 
And on the weekend I'll be moving into my new home!
    Then.... The next chapter of my life begins!!

The way of today.

I miss phone calls... The only person I talk to on the phone for anything length of time is my boyfriend. Other than that, my minutes are left there. 

Communication now comes in the form of tweeting,texting,whatsapp-ing,bbm-ing, emailing,facebook-ing.

I personally miss people calling me to see how I am. Its got so bad, that these days I ignore most of my pings, texts, fbs & emails. Unless it is something specifically important. 

I'm not going to lie, I was never one to phone people myself, and I'd get off the phone as quickly as possible. But a phone call is a lot more personal than a ping. 

I, myself have fallen into the trap of modern technology. Rather than writing a diary, I'm blogging... 

Its not very private. Yet I'm doing it.

Also, I'm addicted to twitter. - Yes I admit it.

I don't really bbm anymore - in fact I'm thinking of deleting it. But it has one major advantage, my phone is cut off right now, but because I'm connected to wifi in my house I can still use my phone for everything internet related including bbm & whatsapp... So for now, I'm keeping 'em.

My preferred way of communication is texting. But that's because I am often worried about a persons reaction to what I'm saying to them.

I think people are talking less, & typing more. But most do not have to exercise the english language while doing so... 

Technology is great... But in moderation... I can honestly say it is taking over my life, the life of my friends and my family. My cousin is 10 years old and has a BB, iTouch, laptop etc. Can the boy sit and write an imaginative story? Probably not.

Technology is stealing children's childhoods and stopping people from spending time together or actually having a conversation using their mouth...

Honestly, I can't imagine not having my BB, not being on twitter, not using FB  or even not having a phone. But I do know, secrets would be kept a lot easier if they weren't posted all over the internet. You can find out almost anything about anyone.... If you look in the right places.